The Divining Wand

When Jenny Gardiner debuted with her novel, Sleeping with Ward Cleaver, she wrote a funny yet heartfelt story of being married and staying in love for the long haul. Now tomorrow — March 16, 2010 — with the release of her second book,Winging It: Twenty Years of Caring for a Vengeful Bird Determined to Kill Me, the author proves how committed she is to long hauls in any relationship.

In last week’s guest post, How Jenny Gardiner Copes with Parrot-hood, it was explained that Graycie had been a Christmas gift that would keep on giving…entertaining moments in exchange for a great deal of patient care:

“Graycie, a too-smart-for-our-own-good African Gray parrot, came to our family from the wild, a Christmas gift from a relative living in Zaire 20 years ago. Graycie arrived on our doorstep–with a temporary stop in parrot prison (quarantine)–in good health but bad temperament. The first few years were arduous, as she was ferocious, snapping and growling at us when we got near. Who could blame her? Poor thing was chopped down from a tree and separated from her parents, stuffed into a crate with a hundred other terrified baby birds, and left to survive with little food or water.

“Had I anything to say in the matter, I would have nixed owning a contraband bird from the get-go (back then most parrots ended up in the U.S. this way; shortly thereafter such means of parrot acquisition were banned). Nevertheless, I was determined to make the best of the situation, despite the fact that she arrived on the heels of the birth of our first child. I was having enough trouble dealing with the demands of a small human who needed my attention all day and night, so was ill-prepared to welcome a bird into the home who expected that and then some.”

As one might imagine, after almost twenty years of living with a wild gray parrot, there are stories to tell. Some tales have become legendary and shared with family and friends, while still others have been written about in Jenny’s local newspaper column. And, since this “pet” has become the focus of everyone’s interest, the writer thought it would be fun to do a book about Graycie.

In fact Jenny even admits to a “funny” backstory of where and why she began the writing:

“YEARS ago, I was sitting in a bat mitzvah, and becoming really antsy as a captive audience to a language I couldn’t remotely understand. So while sitting there for 3-1/2 arduous hours (it was a high holiday so they had an extra long service with it), I pulled out a notebook and pen and HANDWROTE four chapters of what would eventually become this book…”

And that book, Winging It, is described in this synopsis:

A hilarious and poignant cautionary tale about two very different types of creatures, thrown together by fate, who learn to make the best of a challenging situation — feather by feather.

Like many new bird owners, Jenny and Scott Gardiner hoped for a smart, talkative, friendly companion. Instead, as they took on the unexpected task of raising a curmudgeonly wild African gray parrot and a newborn, they learned an important lesson: parrothood is way harder than parenthood.

A gift from Scott’s brother who was living in Zaire, Graycie arrived scrawny, pissed-off, and missing a lot of her feathers — definitely not the Polly-wants-a-cracker type the Gardiners anticipated. Every day became a constant game of chicken with a bird that would do anything to ruffle their feathers. The old adage about not biting the hand that feeds you — literally — never applied to Graycie.

But Jenny and Scott learned to adapt as the family grew to three children, a menagerie of dogs and cats, and, of course, Graycie. In this laugh-out-loud funny and touching memoir, Jenny vividly shares the many hazards of parrot ownership, from the endless avian latrine duty and the joyful day the bird learned to mimic the sound of the smoke detector, to the multiple ways a beak can pierce human flesh. Graycie is a court jester, a karaoke partner, an unusual audio record of their family history, and, at times, a nemesis. But most of all, she has taught the family volumes about tolerance, going with the flow, and realizing that you can no sooner make your child fit into a mold than you can turn a wild parrot into a docile house pet. Winging It is an utterly engrossing reminder of the importance of patience, loyalty, and humor when it comes to dealing with even the most unpleasant members of the family.

Now read an excerpt, Chapter 1.

Then watch and listen to the author discuss her memoir:

And how about some words from Graycie herself. WARNING: For those with dogs, cats, or small children around, it would be wise to turn down your volume before watching the video, Cats Away, Graycie Will Sneeze.

Sounds a bit like a jungle in the Gardiner household, doesn’t it? And there may be moments while reading the book when you shake your head, thinking “How in the world do they stand this?” However no pet (or human) is perfect even if domesticated and Graycie is not, BUT she is part of a family.

Winging It introduces the reader to that family as Jenny’s writing opens the door to her home. It’s warm, loving, and chaotic thanks to children, dogs, a cat, and Graycie. Still, within a few chapters, it turns into a natural way of life — one filled with respect, understanding, patience and good humor.

Jenny will be the first to tell you that her book is a cautionary tale. Library Journal agrees, stating: “Gardiner’s memoir proves that the hope of having a model pet (or child) is usually not realistic. It will speak to animal lovers and offer fair warning to anyone considering the 40-year-plus commitment of owning a parrot.” And, given that Easter is fast approaching, please think twice about those “cute” chicks, ducks, and bunnies as gifts.

Gift Graycie was fortunate that her recipients had huge hearts as well as a sense of adventure. For living with this wild parrot has been (and will likely continue to be) one adventure after another. And that translates into TRUTH: Winging It: Twenty Years of Caring for a Vengeful Bird Determined to Kill Me is heartwarming, eye-opening, and refreshingly informative. Allow this book to fly into your hands without concern for Graycie’s sharp beak and claws. Jenny has her “vengeful” bird under control!

Book Giveaway: The Divining Wand is giving away one copy of Jenny Gardiner’s memoir, Winging it, in a random drawing of all comments left on this post. The deadline is Wednesday, March 17th at 7:00 p.m. EDT with the winner to be announced here in Thursday’s post.

[Next week Tuesday, March 16, 2010, Jenny Gardiner (Sleeping with Ward Cleaver) will watch her second book, Winging It: Twenty Years of Caring for a Vengeful Bird Determined to Kill Me land on bookstore shelves. It's the tale of parrot-hood and, in this guest blog, the author introduces us to her feathered charge.]

My parrot wants me dead. She hates me. Proof is the triangular chunk of flesh now missing from both the front and back of my thumb, testament to the dangers of a beak that’s as powerful as an industrial metal-stamping die.

It seems where I’ve met with moderate success in parenthood–i.e. maintaining the upper hand in the relationship–I’ve failed miserably in parrot-hood.

Parrot-hood, you ask? Yes, in my case, that would be the state in which one must sustain a parrot.

Graycie, a too-smart-for-our-own-good African Gray parrot, came to our family from the wild, a Christmas gift from a relative living in Zaire 20 years ago. Graycie arrived on our doorstep–with a temporary stop in parrot prison (quarantine)–in good health but bad temperament. The first few years were arduous, as she was ferocious, snapping and growling at us when we got near. Who could blame her? Poor thing was chopped down from a tree and separated from her parents, stuffed into a crate with a hundred other terrified baby birds, and left to survive with little food or water.

Had I anything to say in the matter, I would have nixed owning a contraband bird from the get-go (back then most parrots ended up in the U.S. this way; shortly thereafter such means of parrot acquisition were banned). Nevertheless, I was determined to make the best of the situation, despite the fact that she arrived on the heels of the birth of our first child. I was having enough trouble dealing with the demands of a small human who needed my attention all day and night, so was ill-prepared to welcome a bird into the home who expected that and then some.

To some extent, Graycie’s redeemed herself over the years. She’s become quite the talker: she puts my kids in time-outs when they get sassy, yells at the dog when she tries to eat her, and answers the phone in my husband’s voice. Ditto his burps and sneezes. Recently when I used a broom to nudge her back onto the cage from the floor, she pecked at my feet and the broom while repeatedly saying, “Hello gray chicken!”

For a while Graycie became somewhat nice. She let us hold her, sometimes even stroke her feathers. Unfortunately she’d scoot up my arm and perch behind my neck, precariously close to that vital jugular vein and far too inclined to poop on my back, so I didn’t make a habit of such visits. Maybe that angered her.

My friend is convinced Graycie needs a boyfriend. She is a teenager, after all. I’m convinced she needs anger management therapy. Perhaps, though, she is really a he and is tired of being called a girl (back when we got her, the only way to determine a bird’s gender was surgically, so we just guessed at it).

Whatever it is, I know this: what she wants most is to wound me. Often. When I clear the paper from beneath the cage, she races down to attack me, and gleefully rips my hair out. When I reach to open the perch on top, she’s there before I complete the job, straining as far as her body can reach in order to take a chomp my way. When she sneaks off the cage on her frequent surreptitious walkabouts, she attacks my ankles and feet as I try to catch her and return her to home base. I’m the first to admit I can’t quite control her.

When I glance at her, she just gazes back with a cold, black stare that says, “You know I could snap your finger in half easier than you could break a Lorna Doone in two, beyatch.” And she means it. The old adage about not biting the hand that feeds you must’ve slipped right on past her.

So much for the parental guilt ploys, the “all that I’ve done for you over the years” nonsense. And in her case, all I’ve done over the years for her is plenty. For example: hydro-therapy and beak-fed antibiotics, three times daily for weeks on end, repeated every couple of months for years, due to the bird’s propensity to fall off the perch and bust open her breast bone (hence the name Graycie). Death-defying claw-and-flight feather-trimmings (don’t ask). And, of course, the bi-weekly cage washings.

I try to remind myself that I’m helping a fellow creature in need. But I know that to her, it doesn’t really matter. Because it seems that the only thing that would make Graycie happy is if she finally succeeded in maiming or dismembering me, leaving me to die in a bloodied puddle on the living room floor.

I used to have a sexy Brazilian neighbor named Carolina who made Charo-like catcalls at Graycie while shaking her booty before the bird. Graycie was smitten and allowed Carolina to not just pet, but actually fondle her. She’d scoop her up in her hands, giving kissie-kisses, lip-to-beak, making smoochy noises that churned my stomach. Like some green-eyed parent whose child prefers the babsyitter, I was wistful that Graycie chose Carolina over me, despite all I did for her. If I tried to put my lip to the bird, you’d soon recognize me as the one with no lips.

Now I wonder if Carolina had it right all along: she was simply a hot-blooded female (albeit the wrong species) coming on to a possibly male parrot and appealing to his/her more prurient interests. Maybe Graycie is a boy after all, and simply hates me for reinforcing misinformation…In which case, anyone know a sexy 20-something parrot looking for love in all the wrong places? If so, you know where to find me. Most likely in the ER, getting stitched up, or in the pharmacy, stocking up on Band-aids and antibacterial ointment. And maybe a little arsenic.

Book Giveaway: The Divining Wand will be giving away two copies of The Opposite of Me in a random drawing. Simply leave a comment on this post — by the deadline of Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 7:00 p.m. EST — and you’ll be entered in the contest. The winners will be announced in Thursday’s post.

Two years ago Jenny Gardiner debuted with the wickedly funny Sleeping with Ward Cleaver a “romantic” novel for those married awhile and, on Tuesday, March 16, 2010, she returns with her second book, Winging It: Twenty Years of Caring for a Vengeful Parrot Determined to Kill Me. Described as, “A hilarious and poignant cautionary tale about two very different types of creatures, thrown together by fate, who learn to make the best of a challenging situation — feather by feather,” Winging It will be presented/reviewed by The Divining Wand on Monday, March 15, 2010. However, as is tradition, let’s get to know this author from her official bio:

“Jenny Gardiner is the author of the novel Sleeping with Ward Cleaver. Her writing has appeared in Ladies Home Journal, the Washington Post, and NPR’s Day to Day, and she has a column of humorous slice-of-life essays that runs in the Charlottesville, VA Daily Progress. Jenny lives in central Virginia with her husband, three kids, two dogs, one cat, and, of course, a gregarious parrot.”

And now here is Jenny revealed:

Q: How would you describe your life in 8 words?
A: How’s this: Three kids, two dogs, cat, parrot and husband

Q: What is your motto or maxim?
A: I actually do have a motto. I make my kids crazy with it. I am always telling them “It’ll all come out in the wash.” Not to be confused with my maxim, which is “Peace, love, togetherness. Yadda yadda yadda.”

Q: How would you describe perfect happiness?
A: Everyone’s getting along, no bills to be paid.

Q: What’s your greatest fear?
A: Believe it or not, my greatest fear growing up was tsunamis. Yes, a child of middle American, not a shoreline within a ten-hour drive. Now, I don’t know. That’s hard to pinpoint. But probably external forces so out of my control so
something I try to not think about. If I watched the news, I’d be scared of my own shadow, so I do avoid the news.

Q: If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you choose to be?
A: Without doubt, I would be stretched out on catamaran soaking in the sun with family and friends in the British Virgin Islands. Close second would be anywhere in Italy. Close third would be on safari in Africa.

Q: With whom in history do you most identify?
A: Sheesh. In all of history. That’s tough question. I’ll have to get back to you on that because I’m
drawing a blank!

Q: Which living person do you most admire?
A: Hmm…off the top of my head, I really admire Michelle Obama. I think she is a role model that young girls should aspire to–intelligence, elegance, dignity, and great grace.

Q: What are your most overused words or phrases?
A: “Like,” “Uh,” “Um,” “It’ funny, but.” All of which I am guilty of overusing to death!

Q: If you could acquire any talent, what would it be?
A: I would love to be artist. To be able to see something and render it on paper would be so very cool. I would also love to be fluent in several languages.

Q: What is your greatest achievement?
A: My children.

Q:What’s your greatest flaw?
A: I seem to be incapable of sticking to a diet for more than twelve minutes. I’m also guilty of impatience, and disorganization.

Q: What’s your best quality?
A: I think I’m very friendly.

Q: What do you regret most?
A: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like to dwell on what-if’s. I can’t really think of anything I regret.

Q: If you could be any person or thing, who or what would it be?
A: It might be interesting to be an elephant for a day. Oh, wait, maybe a panda bear! Or a polar bear. As long as I went into it with a full belly and didn’t have to eat baby seals or mass volumes of bamboo leaves or baobob leaves LOL

Q: What trait is most noticeable about you?
A: I often crack jokes about anything and everything. Sometimes to a fault.

Q: Who is your favorite fictional hero?
A: Holden Caulfield

Q: Who is your favorite fictional villain?
A: I never like the villains. I have a strong sense of right and wrong so I don’t care for the bad guys.

Q: If you could meet any athlete, who would it be and what would you say to him or her?
A: Sheesh. Maybe Tiger Woods and just smack him upside the head and ask him “What the hell were you thinking, you idiot???”

Q: What is your biggest pet peeve?
A: Seriously? I hate pee on toilet seats. Is that crass? (yes, another of my flaws, I tend to be honest even if it involves being crass!).

Q: What is your favorite occupation, when you’re not writing?
A:I love spending time with my family. Or if you really forced me, I’d suck it up and enjoy a massage, daily…

Q: What’s your fantasy profession?
A: I’m doing it. Now if only it was financially rewarding enough to allow me to continue doing it without having to seek another job, which is on the horizon with our second child going into college…

Q: What 3 personal qualities are most important to you?
A: Honesty, kindness, consideration.

Q: If you could eat only
one thing for the rest of your days, what would it be?
A: OMG, hands down it would be my mom’s banana cream pie. And maybe then I would finally, finally, finally be sick of it.

Q: What are your 5 favorite songs?
A: Ack, such pressure! I have so many thousands of songs on my iPod…Let me think what I always love to hear…

Everything by Michael Buble; Extraordinary by Mandy Moore; Daughters by John Mayer; Don’t Let Him Steal Your Heart Away by Phil Collins; Meeting Across the River by Bruce Springsteen

Q: What are your 5 favorite books of all time?
A: In God We Trust All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd; Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger. Those two always stay in the top two. The other three are always in flux, depending on what I’m reading and what’s stuck with me. Lately I’ve really enjoyed reading Ad Hudler– his novel House Husband is so very well-written and so very insightful, I just enjoyed that read. Books that make me laugh: Jonathan Tropper’s Everything Changes and Bob Flaherty’s Puff.

There are far, far too many books to list them all and I feel terrible I’m not putting all of my friend’s books on the list!

Yes, Jenny is funny, sassy, and very friendly. Enjoy more of her company by becoming a follower on Twitter and/or a friend on Facebook.